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Done with the occult
As it turns out, there's a high likelihood I have inverse seasonal affective disorder. As opposed to normal seasonal affective disorder, where an afflicted person suffers from a lack of energy along with the depression common to both, inverse SAD makes a person restless and manic. There's the persistent sense that I should be doing something, anything other than what mania pushes me to do: ultimately, sit in my room all day, pace, and get absolutely nothing done.
Occult books would have me believe that this is due to some kind of psychic attack, spiritual warfare caused by angering some kind of god I've offended. Like an ancient Undead draining me of energy for the crime of denying their existence, mocking their delusions of grandeur. And so, in a fit of anxiety and energy I can't seem to direct anywhere else, I fuss over occult books, pore over them for hours upon hours. All sorts of rituals to remember.
I had big plans for the Reviews section of this website. A big long page full of occult books, complete with their assessment of whether they were sleep or wake rhetoric and their subsequent debunking (if they deserved it). But the more I read, the more I realize: they're all the same. They're all the exact goddamn same cookie-cutter transcendentalist bullshit all claiming to be the Ultimate Truth(tm) that's been hidden from sight, sheeple tricked into straying from it by some overarching conspiracy to keep their third eyes stapled shut- or maybe everyone is just stupid, and all the people that knew the Truth(tm) have Ascended(tm) and left all us plebs behind to suffer on the lowest rung of existence.
However, all the ones I've read seem to be split between whether or not the teachings should be kept secret and only accessible to a chosen few, or shared with the world so everyone can achieve mass enlightment. Some, like Joy of Satan, say to keep your beliefs a secret only so that people don't attack you. Others, like The Vampire Bible forbid you from talking about it to the uninitiated at all. In complete contrast, Ophiel, a rather old occultist who wrote books on not one specific belief but occultist fundamentals like astral projection and clairvoyance, supposedly explicitly rejected receiving quick knowledge from cults and sects so that he would be free to share his knowledge (or what he thought was his knowledge, anyway) and personal experiences without the fear of breaking a sacred and spiritual vow.
We are all part of THE ALL, or the One, or the universe, and we are also individuals, free and sacred to only ourselves. Aliens and other beings live in the astral, and we need to get to the astral in order to commune with them- but also we need to live our lives in the physical, always a second-class citizen to these other beings. And the Abrahamic god is not real and just something made up in order to subjugate people, and he is real but is actually a malevolent spirit, or a bastardized version of this real god over here. Or there are multiple gods, who are all really the same god with separate faces and personalities, and somehow a pantheon that all bangs each other like a sick orgy. And God is a woman, and God is the earth.
Whatever happened to "no gods, no masters"? If THE ALL wants me to deny myself and absorb back into them in some kind of "blissful" nirvana state, they can come fucking get me themselves. Expecting me to do all the work, only for their benefit? Lying in bed for hours upon waking hours, limbs motionless and still, desperately pleading with my soul to detach from my body so I can go talk to spirits who probably want nothing to do with me? To claim some kind of alternate world where my actions are not my own, where I'm just a puppet to supernatural forces? Fuck that. I have tried the techniques, and I have studied the spirits, and my experiments bore no fruit.
Gravity and chemistry and weather all work whether or not I believe in them. They go on regardless of what I think of them. I refuse to believe in Ra, or Sekhmet, or the Undead, or Dea, and nothing bad happens to me because of my disbelief.
Not all of the things professed in these books can all be true at the same time.
I am half-sick of shadows.
I am half-sick of chasing after shadows.
What then of the "aliens" I thought I witnessed all those times, taking the form of characters I loved to soothe the instinct for immediate fear? Sometimes mere passerbys with an important message, sometimes taking on a more... intimate relationship?
One of them once told me, "Nothing can hurt you unless you let it." Which falls in line with chaos magic, where belief is merely a tool to help someone nudge themselves into accomplishing some feat they otherwise couldn't with their own willpower alone. I don't need to spend countless hours of my life fine-tuning chakras, like The Book of Knowledge (and the vast majority of occult texts, if we're being honest), or borderline developing anorexia, like The Psionics Handbook. I don't need to injure myself in pursuit of shadows, or dig for treasure just to wake up in an early grave.
Long live Vane Vander, indeed.
This isn't giving up on a creative project. This is letting go of something actively harmful to my wellbeing. If you like all this occult nonsense, you can go on if you like- I won't stop you. But don't expect me to follow you into madness.